Grace

What is a day when you think about it. Is it what I pull out to remember? Crystals

hardening in the amber. Remembering like lacquering amber. Crystalline September. A

doctor once told me I had crystals in my vagina. They didn’t explain and I didn’t ask for

more info. I remembered that anyway because I just had a baby.

~

4:15am burning alive hot what about the cool night wasn’t tonight supposed to be

different. Two windows. Is that hormonal. Pee, water, handful of Cheerios. He’s not

awake I can pump. 1oz later he is to eat! I am to obey. Drinking softly, is he too hot I’m

burning stream cool from the windows. Thank god it’s not July for so many reasons. The

particular sting & rawness of my nipples makes me worry. His infection’s not better??

Change him, skip desitin, it’s 5 it’s fine. Ok ok ya mom go back to sleep - I heard him

crying - ya he does usually you didn’t hear before, it’s fine - ok ya - he’s fine - ok - ok -

goodnight - ok. Keep going, is it cooled off? Is it me? Put box fan in to circulate cool, he

should be fine. Laid back down he’s fussy where’s the binki. Should or shouldn’t I have

started with it/be using it? Who knows.

Now it’s 5:50 I’m still writing this. Broken feeling feet hobble my nightcrawling. Crawling

the hall, living room, kitchen, living room, bathroom, hall, bedroom. Tasks in each room.

I actually spray Clorox Tilex: Mold&Mildew on the floor of the tub just to see if it cleans

itself in the night. Isn’t it boring to read about? Try writing it! The trials of mothering, the

old dead horse. And someone beat it for all of us. Thats my thing now I guilt everyone

for having mothers. The Chantal Akerman quote - with me you see the time pass. And

feel it pass. You also sense that this is the time that leads toward death...I took two

hours of someones life - Love it!

Why is he tossing no what what is he doing, its amping up it’s a growth spurt. No! The

white binki in the white bed, god. I need even more than the water bottle. Is it leaf Mold

the taste? My mom hallucinates problems like leaf mold but maybe she’s right what is

it? Let’s sleep please god for a while. 6 and still dark.

8:20 damn already. Blowout. Bubbly boy.

11:42 eating. Thank u god for letting us sleep again that was so great. The god of this

supportive house, which stays standing today. What are these bumps from. Eating

good. How I can get that booger out. Wonder. My thumb coats the thick colloidal

oatmeal on his eczema patch. While I watch the patch a flash of dream comes back: an

earthquake? We had to run outside like Mexico City, it was an earthquake. This flash is

soaked in a disturbed feeling.

“Apparently they already have a unscaleable wall built around the area they’ll be

walking into the National Constitution Center” mom says the uber driver said that.

Remember vitamin D. What do I have to do today I can never remember. Wow he kicks

so hard he’s gonna be able to launch soon. Fuck my heels man what the actual fuck am

I gonna do about my feet.

Text message:This trips been kinda harsh, I feel beat up by the Alex shit. Its been a bad

funeral as opposed to a good one. My partner getting mega bus down after landing at

JFK tomorrow. I watched the live-stream at 6am yesterday. The stream cut off abruptly

when people started to gather after the eulogies. New dynamics emerging, pains, fights,

apparently. It’ll be a long wake with many ripples. To be continued.

12:50 thanks for the eggs mom! yes I think we can try to leave does seem like he wants

to go down I guess, yes. Everything's on top of itself and each other. Messages about

the funeral. Fast let’s throw in the laundry fast. Quick let’s try to get him down he does

seem like he’ll go down.

1:43 almost got 20min to finish a stretching video pelvic floor blah blah feeling busted.

The soft cry steadily growing on the monitor moms got him so I can finish this child’s

pose & think about breath, mine is hard and tight. I think we can try to leave soon we

should try anyway.

1:55 the uncured hot beef sticks are so good.

2:10 need to shower porcelain tub too hard for my heels. Why does the package of

pads say “L. Is for Love.” Diptyque matches & broken terra cotta shards on top of the

toilet. I’m praying: don’t clog.

2:58 he needs to eat and does his little hawk guy cry. Hardening let down. Maggie

Nelson was wrong about breastfeeding. Its not like that. He’s a five min gulper. I hate

when he rips off the tit jesus christ. Mom gives me an enormous bowl of spaghetti. I

inhale it in one hot breath. Incredible, perfect.

3:37 yes we are going to leave at some point the car got moved around & the diaper

bag and blanket are in and now the stroller thanks mom I’ll feed him and now we will

both do the car seat together shit I need to move the laundry.

4:20 finally in car on way to park. Something I thought of before while I was using a 99%

water wet wipe to clean the seedy yellow slime out of his doughy little butt crack is that it

is such a nice feeling knowing you can transform someone’s comfort and happiness so

immediately and easily. Just cleaning someone up with attention and care - its so fun to

have a clean butt! - I say and laugh, so he laughs too. I’m going to pay attention and

remember.

In the car - I wonder if this Lancaster road actually goes to Lancaster - my mom

asks !?! Police regulations for road closure & parking. This maybe she was actually

right about though? Who knows but she’s freaking out saying we’re fucked we should

just go west - west what do you mean we are 2 blocks from a park we can just park and

walk - I can’t even read this dashboard, it told me we were 3/4 full but that can’t possibly

be true - Oh there’s a spot - Oh there’s a spot Oh there’s a spot - Oh there’s a spot - oh

theres a spot does this look like an actual spot? We got a spot & now we sit. When will

we get out of the car? We sit here for a while.

5:14 the park. The Ooos. The weather. Silky breeze. Ooooooo. Open sky cracks open

my squirreling brain waves. The Oooos. Baby’s face fresh. Breeze hugging him. Warm

blue kissing us. Oooooo. Moms laying down. Green trees shimmer. Quaking and tell

me. Oooo. It sounds fuzzy. Fuzzy sounds hug and buoy him. Velvet comforts, slowing

stuff down. I hope he’s filling up. We bring him here to drink and eat.

7:34 made it home good tired. Watch a video about another massacre last night. Think

of exploding sand, babies, people who love each other. Feel sick have to stop.

Unspeakable. Unforgivable ribbon of pain slicing into everything. No you shouldn’t be

able to turn it off. I am desperate but immobile. That disgusts me.

9:30 he is ready for sleep after bath quick because he is barely hanging on to eat.

Sometimes I am electrified, in a flash vision, by a paralyzing fear, I see him destroyed.

The vision is scarier than anything. It is the speed of a blink but also the deepest bass

note.

10:39 Cotton waffle cradle heel, he’s cradled in floor basket he grunts at the same time

his fists hit the straw basket sides pushing a huge yell but only once like a grown man

throwing something really heavy. It’s funny to hear him sleep. I have at least two sets of

blades spinning to keep air moving enough through this room to feel fresh. Finally

cooled off nights. Mom said I wish I wasn’t leaving but it won’t be for too long. Laurie

home tomorrow thank god. The nights.

11:16 I should go to sleep now but the hours alone feel like something else.

Grace is writer, organizer & educator from Montana.