Julia Gwiazdowski

I’m gonna cheat a little and start at midnight because I was doing some fun stuff that I want to share but I’ll make sure I end by midnight too.

So by midnight on Friday my night was already in full swing. I was at a goth night called A Black Celebration that happens the first Friday of the month at Johnny Brenda’s. DJBabyBerlin was killing it and every time I thought I was too tired to dance more they would put on another hit to keep me going. She’s the best. Check her out @djbabyberlin on insta.

I love dancing at JB’s because there’s a lot more space to move around than some other spots I enjoy in Philly. Plus, there’s two floors and you can look down and watch the dancers from the top floor which is fun. Every time I see a concert there it reminds me of that scene in Scott Pilgrim where there at the Rockit, a rock club in Toronto, and Wallace is yelling down at the crowd like Statler and Waldorf in the Muppets. It makes me feel like I’m in an indie movie whenever I’m there.

At first I was just there with my friend, Allison, who is also the drummer in my band, Disaster Gay. Allison is a great dancer but also very chill so it’s really fun to dance with her even if you aren’t a great dancer yourself. We had a minor disagreement when I said New Order is better than Joy Division but I stand by this opinion. In case you're wondering, which you probably aren’t, my favorite New Order song is Temptation from the Substance (1987) which I feel like isn’t a super deep cut but not the obvious pick for most people. I like it so much that I wrote a poem inspired by it and also totally botched it at karaoke. I normally only sing songs I’m good at when I do karaoke cause I’m a total diva so you know I really do like it.

By this time my friends, Dani and Danny, were there. There is a funny trend in my life where I become close friends with people named some variation of Dan. My best friend in first grade was Dan, same as my best friend in fifth grade. My senior mentor was named Danielle in high school. My best friend through high school and who was eventually part of my wedding party was named Dan. (If you’re wondering why my spouse doesn’t appear during this entry it’s because I’m divorced.) The last drummer in Disaster Gay and also one of the people who was there for me after my suicide attempt early last year is named Dan. (You should check out that Dan’s other projects he’s in including Trash Boy, an anti-capitalist punk rock band, and My Wife’s An Angel, danceable hardcore in the same vein of Viagra Boys. They’re both on spotify.)

But anyway, you get it, I know a lot of Dans in some form or another. I think it’s just a popular name amongst younger millennials like myself. The Dans I was with at goth night were friends I made through sapphic events. Specifically, it was a Val’s Lesbian Bar fundraiser that happened near the beginning of this year. Dani was the one who told me about A Black Celebration. It was a lot of fun to close out the night with all of them. The final song of the night was Goodbye Horses.

Molly once posted about how people don’t really write about sex in these entries too much and I’m sure there’s a number of reasons for this including privacy and I jokingly messaged her that I’d try to make sure I had sex on my day. Well, I just want to establish now that I didn't have sex BUT I did kiss someone at goth night. It was very nice and very gay as all kisses should be. Well, I guess as all kisses should be for me.

Afterwards, Dani and Danny got halal and I sat with them while they ate it before the two of them, Allison, and I took the MFO home. Also there was some dude we met while dancing with a picture of Stalin on his shirt (yuck) that rode the bus with us too. Danny and I sat in the back of the bus and sang the Danny Phantom theme song together. They got off at the same stop as me because we're both West Philly queers and we hugged and went our separate ways.

When I finally got home it was like 3AM and I put on the audiobook I’ve listened to every night for the last two years at .8 speed to fall asleep to. The book is Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clark, if you’re curious. It’s a pastiche of early 19th century regency novels and Gothic Romances of the same era. If you like Jane Austen, Frankenstein, anything about the Napoleonic Wars, or historical fiction with a fantasy element you’ll probably enjoy it. It’s my favorite book ever and the guy who reads the audiobook also did the voice of the computer on the cartoon, Courage the Cowardly Dog.

I slept until around 2PM so I completely skipped the morning. I woke up very dehydrated and with a terrible sinus headache so it took me a while to get going. I’m sober now but I am a recovering alcoholic and it turns out dancing for four hours on a summer night can also give you a hangover. I thought I was done with those.

It took me a long while to get myself going again. I was supposed to go to the Apple Store to get my screen fixed at 12 and that just didn’t happen. I was also supposed to feed my friends’ cat breakfast but he didn’t get breakfast til much later because I could barely move. (Don’t worry. He had plenty of dry food to hold him over.)

I layed in bed for a while just thinking. There’s a lot of art and stuff on my walls, much of it made by friends of mine, but there’s this one corner I now realize that has a bunch of stuff connected to various exes. This was not done consciously. I looked at it thinking about the fact that a lot of these objects are connected to important memories and I have a lot of memory problems because of neurological reasons and several concussions. I think that’s why I hold onto the one’s tied with exes despite some of those memories being bittersweet now. They are still important to me and I don’t want them to slip away.

(Corner with the ex objects that includes: Dried yellow roses above the pride flag I bought for my “bad” ex I planned to give them after their concert that they asked me to hold on to but never took back; a piece of dried russian the “one who got away” gave me next to my Henri Toulouse-Letrec postcard; a flower crown I made at Midsummer party with “the one that got away” which is on top of the Starry Night replica made my ex-spouse made for me out of shiny beads)

I finally showered and took my meds (Yippee! Mood stabilizers!) despite it feeling like I was moving a mountain just to get out of bed. I was very nauseous but I managed to down one of those Aldi brand protein bars with some water knowing I would feel better if I got some fuel in my body. I also took some CVS brand sudafed for the sinus pressure. Normally, I listen to an audiobook, podcast, or music while I get ready but I’ve been going through a backlog of YouTube videos recently. I put on one by Philosophy Tube called “I Read the Most Misunderstood Philosopher in the World” which is about Judith Butler and is really relevant to modern conversations about gender and sex and stuff. In it Abigail Thorne, the person who runs Philosophy Tube, does this dialogue with her past pre-transition self. It left me thinking about what I would say to myself before my own transition. Anyway, you should really watch the video. It’s very good and like it makes the philosophical ideas discussed very digestible.

I managed to get dressed which included cutting the sleeves off of my Venmo t-shirt because I want all of my tees to be muscle tees despite having a distinct lack of biceps. I just really want to look more like a dyke. That’s been one of my main goals as of late in my presentation.

(Me laying in bed a little bit longer even after getting showered and dressed because I was still nauseous and had a headache. You can see some black flecks from my lipstick that didn’t come off from the night before. It was Nyx Lingerie XXL before you ask.)

I figured one of the best things I could do to relieve my never ending headache was get some coffee so I walked to Knockbox which is my favorite coffee shop in the world. I don’t know if the coffee is good in a “coffee snob” way but I really like it in a “regular person who really likes coffee” way. It’s definitely better than chain store coffee and I like supporting local businesses. Plus, they know my name and order by heart and I’ve even become friends with some of the baristas outside of seeing them in the shop. I like feeling like I’m part of the community.

I probably got there a little after 4PM. I got an Iced Americano with spiced brown sugar syrup and soy milk. I also poured a boatload of simple syrup in there because I have a problem and the problem is a sweet tooth. Fun fact for those of you with gastrointestinal problems. Americanos are less likely to bother your gut because the way espresso beans are roasted in such a way that there’s less of the enzyme in coffee that makes you poop.

Second fun fact, Americanos come from American GIs stationed in Italy in World War 2 who didn’t like the espresso they were served because it was too bitter. As a result, Italians would water it down for the American soldiers to make it taste more like coffee and called it an Americano which I think is funny. I like an espresso now and then as a digestif but like the soldiers it is too bitter for me to drink all the time.

While I drank my coffee, I read a postcard my friend, Lucia, sent me from San Diego. (Lucia is a great poet & comedian! Check her out at @luccyluce on insta) I also read a bit of Eileen Myles’ novel Chelsea Girls because I am the epitome of a lesbian poet. Whenever I read or write in a cafe I like to take breaks to text friends and eavesdrop on strangers. I think the couple next to me was breaking up but I couldn’t tell because they were speaking Portuguese and I only speak broken Spanish and while the languages are siblings, so to speak, they are not the same languages. Based on their body language and the awkward silences and what I could pick up, something was going down.

*(quotes in my notes app I overheard at Knockbox)*

*(My BeReal went off while I was vibing at Knockbox)*

Eventually, I was interrupted by an unexpected call from my sister. She apparently was gonna ask me if I wanted coffee and then saw my location.

I share my location with her and the rest of my immediate family because we’re very close and not very intrusive. We all live in Philly and are natives. Not only are our parents from here but our grandparents as well. So when my mom looks at my location she actually knows where I am in a way only someone who knows the city well can. She knows the neighborhood. The police district. What it’s reputation is. Sometimes she oversteps a bit and will call me because of where I am or cause I didn’t come home. Often when I don't come home at night it's because I was with someone and I’ll be frank with her to sort of remind her I’m a 32 year old woman with an adult life who doesn’t live with her anymore. Those conversations usually go something like this:

“Julia, where are you? You didn’t go home last night. My phone says you’re in Point Breeze.”

“I’m literally in bed with a girl right now mom.”

“Oh! I’m sorry,” suddenly whispering “I’ll let you go.”

We’re very close and I talk to my mom about everything anyway so I don’t mind that much but it's very silly sometimes to have to remind your mother that you have sex and don’t want to be bothered while lounging in bed with a lover.

Luckily, this time it was just my sister, Di, asking me if I could get her a coffee and offering to pick me up and hang out. I grab her one and another for myself and she comes with my brother, Grant, in tow. She takes me to feed Hank who screams at me because I was a bad cat sitter (I’m not. I just overslept) and I gave him breakfast and dinner at the same time since it was so late. We all swing by the Fresh Grocer off of Washington in Grays Ferry for snacks and taco stuff and then go to my other brother’s house that's only a few minutes away. Grant and I get really silly with it while we’re in the grocery story. There’s something about hanging with my siblings that really brings out the goofball in me.

I’m the oldest of four. Austin and Di live together. They’re both in Disaster Gay as well and we practice at Austin’s house. This wasn’t practice. It was just an excuse to hang out and have tacos.

I think it’s cool that all my siblings are musicians. They’re all also artists too. My mom is an artist and used to be an art teacher. She works for the city now but I feel so lucky to come from such a creative family.

While we were hanging it started raining really hard so I was glad that I was with them and not bopping about the city on public transit. I still had plans that night but Austin would end up driving me there so I could avoid getting too wet.

While we hung out I showed my siblings some songs from brat and played some Chappell Roan songs. My sister hadn’t heard the new remix of Guess with Billie Eilish and we talked about her being a lesbian now. I talked to Di about queer stuff a lot and I’m trying to convince Austin that pop music can be good actually. It’s not a big deal if he doesn’t like it. We both like a lot of the same music already and some things just won’t always click.

Di and I painted out nails with Powerpuff Girls nail polish she got from Mooncat. I paint one hand blue and one hand green because I’ve been feeling like both Bubbles and Buttercup lately. I watched Di play some of the Persona 3 remake. They redid the animations and for some reason they’re worse. The tacos are good but a bit spicier than expected. Around 8PM, Austin drives me to Stir Lounge, a gay bar, near Rittenhouse for a SipCity mixer.

SipCity runs Sapphic mixers in Philly and the surrounding areas. It’s really cool and how I have met a lot of my lesbian/sapphic community. This particular mixer was called Bi Bi Baby and was supposed to focus on bi, queer, pan, and “othered” sexualities that still fit into the broader Sapphic spectrum. I didn’t go to the first bi mixer because I didn’t feel it was my place as a lesbian. I didn’t want to take up that space but I realized this was more about making space in the broader Sapphic community for those people so it made sense for me to be there as part of that community and an ally.

Also, I LOVE bi/pan/queer gals and enbies. My first sapphic partner was bi and I felt more comfortable dating people who liked multiple sexes when I first came out because I’m trans. I wasn’t sure a cis lesbian would accept my body or even be attracted to it. Those “othered” sexualities made me feel more like a dyke in a way I wouldn’t get from lesbians for a long time. Not all cis lesbians are weird about trans girls mind you, in fact, I’d say most aren’t, but I know for certain that as bi, pan, or queer girl is a lot less likely to be weird about dating a trans girl.

So I was there as both an ally and a simp. It was fun! I got to see a lot of my friends. I danced. I had some good non-alcoholic beers. I made new friends. I saw my friend Maya who is an incredible poet that featured in my reading series Sappho Unbound. (Catch her on insta at @thatbipoet and read her book, Quiver).

I spent most of the night hanging out with my friend, Fee, who is also a poet featured at Sappho Unbound! (Check them out at @peefelz). They’re also working on a play right now that I can’t wait for.

I spent most of the mixer bopping around between groups. Saying hi to people I knew, flirting, meeting new folks. I’m very often a social butterfly at these events and sort of everyone knows me as a result. This is a blessing and a curse. It’s harder to find the love of your life when you’re a known entity but it’s always good to have lots of friends. I also talked to the bartender about how there are so many transplants in the city after I order a “wooder.”

I don’t mind so much when transplants are queer and especially not people of color. A lot of people come here to escape more conservative areas but it is frustrating getting teased for my accent in my own city or when white yuppies gentrify and raise rent prices in areas that were predominantly working class people of color. It sucks because a lot of queers and artists move to those areas because we’re also broke but we’re the ones who make it “cool” so some guy with a trust fund will decide to move there and then his friends move there too and suddenly the working class people of color can’t afford the rent and neither can the broke queers and artists.

Long story short, I’m scared that Philly is gonna become New York and I’ll be priced out of the city I love; the city that owns my heart and soul.

After the mixer, I head to Franky Bradley’s with Fee. Usually, I hate going to Franky’s if it's not for a drag show but some cute girls tell me they’re also going and I love dancing with Fee so I decide it's worth it. I mostly hate dancing at Franky’s because it's so often crazy packed and even though it's in the gayborhood it's usually very straight. I really wish straight people would stop going to gay bars. Unless, say, they’re with a bunch of gay friends. If another man hits on me while I’m at a gay bar I might scream and yes it did happen to me that night too.

It’s also weird to see people gawking at folks being gay on the dance floor. Like yes, there’s two women making out. Yes, there’s guys grinding with each other. Stop staring at us like we’re freaks when you’re in OUR space. That’s not to mention the absence of lesbian bars in the city. We don’t really have our own space separate from gay men.

I think part of the reason straight people take over gay spaces in Center City is twofold. One part is gay people are cool. We’re often part of counter cultural movements and that makes us rebels and artists and that will always be seen as cool. The other part is that Center City is where people often go for a night out. I honestly think we need more queer spaces spread out through different areas of the city and especially ones that are more financially accessible. Center City is expensive. I would love to go to a working class queer dive and play some pool with a few dykes and be able to get home within say thirty minutes but that’s probably a pipe dream.

Anyway, I danced and it was fun because I was with my friends. I didn’t get a little kiss or meet the love of my life but I think I was a good wingwoman for my friend which is also nice.

Technically, I did a little more after midnight but if I’m sticking to my rule of midnight to midnight that doesn’t get to be part of my entry. I do think it’s really funny that I started and ended my day dancing in two different bars that are named after men.

*(Frank Bradley’s dance floor right before midnight)*

In addition to her day job, Julia is a poet and front woman for the queer rock band, Disaster Gay. You can follow her band at @disastergayphilly and you can follow her for poetry @atreenamedjulia on Instagram.

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