Anna
12:13 On the bus home from work. Got cut early because it was so slow. Listening to Nayyara Noor - Khabi Hum Khoobsurat They. I wonder what she’s singing about and Google the lyrics.
I’m in such a bad mood. Working in restaurants is not for the faint of heart and for some reason the longer I do it the worse I am at it. When I was younger and an idiot I was blissfully unaware but now I am jaded, worn down, bitter.
12:23 The walk from the bus stop to my house is just a few blocks.The warm soft summer air and the Hindi lyrics in my ear make me feel a little nostalgic and homesick. I watched a lot of Bollywood growing up and it’s surprising how much of a language one can pick up from movies. I still remember a handful of Hindi terms and phrases. This man is singing about a girl he loves, from what I can gather.
12:25 I’m home and it’s hot as fuck. We haven’t gotten an AC unit for the downstairs yet and it’s stuffy and warm. I’m greeted at the door by our three animals, Ace on the tv stand, Rollins’ collar jingling with joy, Dune’s tail in a straight up spike. They all want something from me. Every time I get annoyed at my pets for wanting something I think about how much harder it would be to have a human child. Imagine having a shitty night at work and then coming home to a person that you must take good care of! I’m grateful that my animals love me as their caretaker - it’s an honor and a joy to be the steward of these strange creatures that love me so much, and the care is very low stakes. I know Rollins is dying to be walked but he can wait a few minutes while I put my feet up and change out of my clammy sweaty work wear.
I’m feeling a little melancholy and wonder for a moment if I’m getting depressed, and then remember that my period just started and that’s probably why. Ugh.
12:34 I snap out of my wallowing in self pity because my wife has just gotten home from working a gig and has funny stories to tell me about it. We’re laughing about how bad emo and pop punk music is. I love just about every genre of punk and rock but I stopped caring about emo music after the age of 14. Every band name is House Mom Jeans Dad Basement Person Place or Thing. It’s all very silly.
1:54 We finally walk Rollins, let him loose in an empty lot a couple blocks down. It’s such a balmy night, the air is perfect. I feel bad that Rollins doesn’t get to run wild as he should. A dog in a city is a hard life. He’s an animal! He should be with the wolves in the woods.
2:24 In bed
9:30 My first alarm
9:54 Several alarms later I finally force myself to rise. It’s brunch time
10:44 I’m so tired. My cramps are throbbing. There’s something about a period that feels very primal, reminds me I am an animal. My face is so puffy from allergies and lack of sleep. My dog is staring at me hoping for a walk but I must call my Uber.
11 in the Uber feeling resentful. It really fuckin sucks going into work on a beautiful weekend, a holiday weekend where folks who made better life choices than I and didn’t end up in the service industry get to go to the beach with their friends or just have the freedom to have fun on a beautiful Saturday morning. Instead, I am beholden to the grind.
11:06 According to the Uber app, I’m going to arrive 5 minutes early. I don’t smoke anymore (wink, nod) but now I wistfully crave a cigarette to fill those 5 minutes before I have to clock in.
11:22 The bartender is blasting her personal playlist as we set up for service. Lil Wayne is rapping about his love hate relationship with molly
11:44 My coworker decides to order bagels from a place a couple blocks down. “I’m only gonna tip $2,” he says. “It’s take out - no one ever tips on a take out order here. Like I’m going to pick it up”. “Yeah I mean they’re still making the food though,” I start to say, but the order has already been placed. I’m not going to get into the ethics of tipping with him right now. I wonder how much the bagel shop employees make per hour.
11:48 I go to the bathroom and text my friend about the show tonight. They told me earlier they probably won’t make it and I ask them if they’re sure about that… I send the text and then immediately regret it - I’m being pushy and annoying.
My period makes me feel so fucking wretched. I’m struck by the absurdity of it all - this time next week my hormones will be going back up to peak ovulation mode and I’ll feel like the hottest bitch alive. But for the moment it does feel good to wallow in my wretchedness.
11:56 Future is rapping about all the bitches trying to give his dick a hickey.
12:44 I go to the back alley to eat my bagel - it’s not vegan and my coworker advises we should eat our contraband off the restaurant's premises to avoid its vegan name being sullied. It’s hot as fuck and I feel nauseous but I wolf it down anyway. The Excedrin and Zyrtec bouncing around my empty stomach welcome the protein.
1:38 How is it not 3 o’clock yet. It’s so hot out. An old man comes in and asks us to turn down the music, just for him. I love when a guest acts like this is a private dining experience, but I don’t blame him. Meghan Trainor blasting would ruin my meal as well. At the same time, there’s something soothing about over produced pop music - it’s very safe and familiar. All of the songs sound exactly the same. Whatever pop hits playlist the bartender has picked is the exact same playlist that would play in a CVS.
2:34 My coworker is talking about resenting his girlfriend for going to the pool while he works a double. He’s sooo real for that, but a woman should absolutely be lounging at the pool while a man works. I think if more men were working doubles and off the streets the world would be a better place.
2:55 I’m almost done and eating a salad for staff meal. I still feel unbelievably nauseous, I have a splitting headache and dry throat but I figure the iron in this spinach will help replenish what I’m bleeding out.
3:26 I clock out 26 minutes after the supposed end of my shift. My cramps are a poisonous viper in the center of my abdomen and heat radiates from every surface as I exit the restaurant. I’m squinting furiously in the hot afternoon sunlight but for some reason won’t rummage in my bag to find sunglasses in the depths. I’m so nauseous but haven’t thrown up in years. I’m picturing vomiting a slick green undigested salad onto the sizzling pavement, but I’m nearly to my destination and I know ice cold AC will save me.
3:36 Clothes shopping while on your period is a certain kind of self harm. I’m in Retrospect on South Street,one of my favorite places to browse, but nothing fits me and everything is expensive. I try on a white shift dress that is obscenely see through and I wonder if I should wear it to the show tonight. I shouldn’t be spending money anyway but I know if I made a sweet little purchase it would boost my spirits immediately.
4:32 My feet hurt and I still feel like throwing up. The only thing that can cure me now is an ice cold shower and a nap in some ice cold air conditioning. I wish I didn’t feel so shitty! I hope enough time has passed for me to take some more Excedrin.
4:49 Finally home, I strip and lay in the air conditioned bed. I’m too tired to shower right now. The house is full of April’s band mates and their accoutrement, getting ready to pack up and head to the show for set up.
6:30 Wake up from nap, still feel awful.
6:46 I’m gonna shower before the show. My sweat smells different when I’m on my period and right now I think I reek of onions. It’s pungent. The worst part of having a period is how mundane it is - no one gives a shit if you’re feeling awful cuz of period, everyone has them, we all feel terrible, move on. It’s not like a legitimate sickness, it’s a fact of nature. My partner understands how ill it makes me every month and people are sympathetic but it’s just. A period. And I’ll feel different tomorrow.
6:50 The warm shower alleviates my cramps slightly. I let the water run over my protruding stomach and rub it slowly. Having a period is actually like micro dosing pregnancy, I think. Everything is swollen. I feel insane and ill. I’m actually so bloated at the moment I could convince a stranger I’m a few months along.
6:52 I’m deciding what to wear to the show. I try on a dress from last summer and it won't stretch across my swollen tits. Another dress fits weirdly and goes to my ankles. I dress for comfort most of all and I love weird shapes and structures. But on my period all of that goes out the window. I feel bloated, ballooned, I don’t want to be perceived yet I must look cool and hot and sexy and effortless…
7:19 Mary comes over. I try on 17 different combinations of shirt and shorts and she helps me decide on the final look. Jules arrives.
8:37 We’re at Bartram’s, unloading speakers from the back of Quin’s car onto a skateboard to wheel them up the asphalt onto Gibson Point. It’s so beautiful out, the sky is grey and the air is warm and heavy with impending rain. There’s literal tension - of water about to burst forth from the atmosphere, and the tension of setting up a show outdoors before the rain hits.
8:44 I’m drinking beers with Jules and we’re talking about traveling. He might go to Europe next summer. We bum a cigarette from someone and share it while we watch the bands set up.
9:15 Show starts. Heavy vocals reverberate across the water. The humid air makes everything feel thick, palpable. It’s a gorgeous night and I love Philadelphia and I love DIY.
11:15 The long black snake of my piss winds its way down the asphalt. I’m squatting by the front tire of Quin’s SUV, peeing a hot heavy stream. Everyone is packing up their gear because the Weather app says we’re going to get rained on in the next hour.
11:45 We’re back home, unloading the gear from the show, exhilarated to have pulled it off. The night is young and so are we, indeed. Just a few blocks away, the Dolphin beckons.
Anna is a writer, artist, and all around freak trying to get out of restaurants. They reside in South Philly with their hot wife, two cats and a dog. They can be found on Instagram @shapeshifting555 and on Substack https://francesfrancis.substack.com/
