Anna
Yâall gon make me lose my mind! Like most mornings, I wake up to Party Up! by DMX and record my dream.
Scene I: I wrote something embarrassing in a book and hid it inside a stuffed animal toy. I consider getting rid of the toy by throwing it into the ocean, but am worried that it will wash up on shore and be found. Iâm part of a cult with my friend S.
Scene II: Someone cracks my back and offers to pay me to crack theirs. A musical performance: waiting outside and going inside to use the bathroom, feeling like I may be assaulted or someone will find my stuffed animal.
Scene III: Two dogs are strapped in a prone position to the backs of cows in order toâŚdry out their bodies? They are angry, and escape. The dogs look like a broken down car with no front wheels I recognize from Greys Ferry Ave.
A fantasy of exposure, I guessâthat someone would read my secret. Stuffed, trapped, strapped, cracked.
At about 8:00 AM, I tell N Iâd write her a check for a million dollars to make me some coffee. Yesterday was an 11 hour drive back from New England Christmas: a long 5 days of social performance with my family and then hers. N does set up Mr. Coffee while singing âPour Some Sugar on Me,â and I put on my recovery uniform of flannel robe and tube socks.
I have so few mission-critical agenda items today, yet this is a delicate and complex situationâŚwhat to do first! I am sapped, and have a minor weedover.
I crack open Notice by Heather Lewis in my bed, a novel I read about in Parapraxis. Emily Schlesinger described the book as âtraumatophilic,â citing the recent work of Avgi Saketopoulou, basically meaning that it regards trauma as productive rather than destructive of subjectivity. Notice would be pretty boring if we assumed the narrator shacks up with a couple and portrays the daughter they accidentally murdered during sex purely out of a repetition compulsion, or if the realism of the text were diagnosed as âflat affect.â I read up until the point she is institutionalized and begins a mutually seductive and distant relationship with her counselor. A bit close to home, since my MSW internship this year is clinical case management in a similar setting.
My buddy I is in town this week (lol), but decides not to attend services at Kol Tzedek, so we wonât meet up afterwards. Now there is no morning timetable! I want friend reunion but am not reconstituted yet. Then L sends a group chat suggesting a bar meetup later, thank god. What a genius. A coworker texts me about a work thing and I honestly had forgotten about my day job, which I donât return to until January 2. My mom texts me about post-holiday food guilt, and I think about how my girlfriendâs dad keeps his phone in the car so it doesnât bother or spy on him.
The floor is super cold because my downstairs neighbors are gone, I suspect. There is crap everywhere: gifts, clean laundry, suitcases. I live in a studio, so it doesnât take much for the apartment to feel overcrowded and dormy, but I missed my hand soap which is supposed to be a dupe for Le Labo Hinoki. Itâs 11:00 by the time I get it up to make yogurt/granola/strawberries, which N has procured from M*r*p*sa. We nosh and she reads out funny lines from In Thrall by Jane Delynn, which I got her for Christmas. I turn on all the lights including overheads (I know!) in order to get things going. What bean should I soak for tomorrow?
Mmm, lima beans
I look at Tone Glowâs top 2024 albums and donât recognize that many of them, try out Ahmedâs Giant Beauty which isnât the mood Iâm in, then put on Caxtrinhoâs Queda Livre which is. I almost start writing a cover letter for a therapy internship next year, but reconsider putting much effort into something that is neither competitive nor paid. There have been two flies in my apartment since before Thanksgiving. Didnât know they lived this long, damn. I imagine one is Jeff Goldblum and one is Isabella Rossellini. Iâm texting with L about feeling sluggy and she recommends getting a little espresso beverage, which I would love but am feeling down on the options in this part of town.
RIP Jeff
I start putting items away and manage to kill one of the flies with a bookmark my mom gave N. She also gave the two of us an extremely vaginal painting and a first aid kit. Nâs mom got me a big sunhat and a pair of earrings taped to a bag of goldfish crackers. Those items go into a big bag with my mail (PPA notice, garments and props bought for a Maggie Simpson costume). I decide to just put a lot of things in my closet because Iâm moving in 3 weeks (into the larger apartment downstairs with N). Nailed it!
This was a lie. The gym itself was locked.
N and I get it together to walk to the gym by early afternoon, but when we arrive it is closed due to a water main break. This is disappointing because we got her a guest gym membership at UP*nn partially so we could fool around in the locker room during winter break when few people are around. Also, my body hurts from being in the car so much. Itâs warm and rainy. We stop at Acme on the way home to purchase broccoli so I can make tofu, rice, and veg: finally, âgirl food.â Once home, I prep dinner and do yoga while N sets up her living room for performing electrolysis (a specialized kind of hair removal) on my eyebrows. She just got the machine in the mail which will move into her new office in January, but for now it is our consolation prize to play with.
La machine
N started training to do electrolysis about 6 months ago and Iâve heard a lot about the insertion of the hair-like probe into the follicle, the electric pulse that kills it forever, what the sheath of the hair looks like if the annihilation is pleasingly complete. N wears an apparatus on her face like this, which I find scary and arousing:
She makes me fill out a form. I complain about the lighting in her living room and she grabs a light-up makeup mirror so I can identify which specific brow hairs I want gone. It doesnât hurt much at first, but as the area gets more sensitive it becomes a bit uncomfortable. N remarks that it could hurt more if she upped the current, which is good intel for another time. The electric pulse is usually released using a foot pedal, but halfway through N sets the machine to pulse 1.3 seconds after the probe is inserted so she can be on her feet. To accomplish this, I hold an electrode in my hand to create a complete circuit, whatever that means.
By 5:00, Iâm in the shower back at my place and then finish making tofu dinner. She and I both currently live alone about a 2 minute walk from each other, which sounded sexy but is in fact expensive and inconvenient. When she arrives at mine, N and I split a beer. I have Real Time open on my phone as I scarf down my 2 bowls, wanting to make sure I catch the 34. I arrive at the stop 30 seconds before the trolley does, and take it to 13th St. Itâs still rainy while I walk south, mostly down 10th St, and Iâm listening for the first time to If I Donât Make It, I Love U by Still House Plants, which rules. I stop in at The Foodery on Pine to buy Capri menthols for my friend F, who Iâm meeting at 7:00 for a drink and some breakup processing. Tis the season :/ Iâm glad I got the cigs because at Fountain Porter F presents me with this:
The last book I received from F was about a librarian who falls in love with a bear, which I read at my step grandmotherâs funeral. She gets me. We talk about life and love (how much ambivalence is normal in a relationship?) over two glasses of wine, then smoke and walk toward the buddy reunion at Solar Myth, another thing we love to hate. I miss living in South Philly, and look forward to moving back when my life is no longer UP*nn-centric after graduation. We agree that we should go to the Barnes this week, especially since I learned an ACCESS card gets you in for free. The more you know!
F opts to head home, and around 9:00 I go inside to find that the group saved me a seat. I am touched! I donât have to sit on the end like the odd bird out in a V formation. I purchase a bottle of what I and L have been drinking to share and immediately spill some on my pants. L remarks that we are all a bit shell-shocked. Itâs true, and how I have missed you! And you, and you and you! We compare notes on our holidays: J watched two masses on TV in Virginia, one Latin one English; L shares funny takes on interconfessional suburban Christmas with D; I has been dating and tooling around; R is glad he shot his shot with an older woman while on tour, which D affirms is generally a good practice among fellow-travelers. We get into stuff about parents and Philly politics, and I feel a swelling of affection as midnight comes and goes. Sad I donât get to talk to everyone, but thankfully I will not have to leave town again soon.
@brainkrieg
