Karla
I notice three things when I wake up in the morning:
There is a sharp pain shooting down the side of my thigh
My second degree burn on my stomach where I spilled chili two days ago hurts
My hair looks like a curly pyramid of giza, I should straighten it. or maybe like that one picture of SOPHIE. I should be so honored. RIP <3
In high school, I straightened my hair every day. I was ashamed of my curls, of how not-white they made me look in my homogenous catholic high school. I had been bullied over it, bullied over being latina; they called me woolley mammoth which made me feel dirty. Sometimes I wonder if the movie Ice Age had been out by then, if it would have been cool to be called Woolly Mammoth, but I just googled it and Ice Age did come out at that time, so I guess that’s where the nickname came from… Anyways, straightening my hair made me fit in. It took me ten more years to learn to love my curls and embrace them, and now i’m back to this habit… for what?
My high school’s motto was “the only constant in life is change.” Annoyingly, I’ve never forgotten it. More annoyingly, it brings me comfort. Lately, I’ve been thinking about it a lot because next month I am leaving Philly behind and moving to a new state far away. I am so glad I got to write a day in my life before I leave, but I am devastated to abandon the only place I’ve ever felt at home. In my moment of mourning, I present my eulogy:
A Eulogy to Philadelphia
I hate the way you kicked me down
And destroyed my little life
I hate the way you got so hot
And fucked my body right
I hate the way your streets are shit
My wheelchair can’t pass by
I hate that stairs are everywhere
My leg pain cannot lie
I hate the way i’m stuck at home
No trolley there to ride
I hate the way my neighbors yell
How bad it smells outside
I hate the way you promised good
A good that I could never find
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you
Not even a close
Not even a little bit…
You are divine
Now it is 11:05am. I spent all morning workshopping that Eulogy with my roommate instead of working as much as I should have, so it’s time to put my head down and focus on my real job. Before I do, I take a quick look at reddit on my phone while I sit on the toilet. I deleted my instagram because it was depressing me, so now I read reddit (smart, right?). Everything makes me laugh. There’s a post about the outfits that will be worn at the Olympics and Brazil’s is a jean jacket with a toucan embroidered on the back. I think that’s stupid because Brazil has way better birds to embroider on a jacket. Also the national bird of Brazil is the Rufous-bellied Thrush so it would make way more sense if they put that on the jacket. I think about how much I miss my birding friends and going on walks with Philly Queer Birders. I wish it wasn’t so hot so I could go look at birds with my friends.
It’s 12:58pm. During my lunch break I take a consult call with a personal trainer to discuss my exercise goals, which are basically: figure out how to exercise again without ending up in the hospital. I divulged so much personal information until she finally realized her gym did not have air conditioning, so I can’t work out there. I am relieved for an excuse to keep pushing this off. My stomach is still hurting. My shorts are rubbing against my chili burn and torturing me. Everything hurts. I just got my period. My legs are sore, my back aches, I can feel my endometriosis screaming at me. Sometimes I feel this pain in my pelvis that makes me almost gag. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and my hair looks good. So what if I don’t want to deal with my curls these days? They’re a pain in the ass. I think about Charli XCX. I think about that YouTube video series my friend made me watch that convinced me BRAT is good. I think about how going back to her natural hair was such a calculated move towards her BRAT era. I did it first Charli. I straighten my hair now to subvert the cultural moment.
Okay 4:10pm. I finished up my work for the day and now I need to run errands. I feel like shit. I decide to cancel the date I made tonight. We were going to do a water ice tasting and it was gonna be cute but I can feel my muscles starting to act up. My roommate walks past and sees me in my new reading glasses. She says I look like Linda Belcher. Shortly after she grabs the mail and walks over to me holding an AARP magazine. “Are you an AARP member?” she asks, “why am I not surprised.” There I am, looking like Linda Belcher, talking about my AARP discounts while my legs throb. How am I only 30??? I recently learned I have small eyeballs and my eyes are getting weaker much faster than the average person due to my disability. I have so many pairs of glasses now and they are all different prescriptions because the doctor can’t keep up. I guess you can call me Linda for now.
I get in the car to run my errands. I hop on 676W and approach that really iconic view of the city skyline that always makes me emotional. I’m flooded with memories from my childhood. I spent approximately 100 weekends in my teens in 30th street station thanks to divorced parents. That train station is my second home. I still can’t forgive them for getting rid of the old ticker board. Head & Heart by Joel Corry comes on shuffle which I added to my playlist while I was in England last month. It reminds me of Love Island and that movie How To Have Sex. I’ve got a text! An unknown number asks, “Hi Lisa, would you like to have a BBQ?” I reply, “Yes! I’ll bring the weiners.” I realize my car has hit 420 miles just as I'm passing underneath that cool Ben Franklin statue; that’s one of my favorite statues.
I think about the expressway flooding a few years ago, or was that last year? I am still baffled by their ability to drain it so fast. What the fuck? I get to what I like to call Flag Ave. I remember when my friend came to visit a few years ago and noticed they didn’t have a flag of Palestine. What the fuck? I need to park but the lot is so packed. I see some disabled spots near the front but I don’t have my wheelchair and I think I feel well enough to walk farther, so I don’t want to take a spot in case someone really needs it. I immediately regret it when I get out of the car - my legs are getting weaker. I am starting to feel anxious about a paralysis attack coming on. It’s too hot out. I think about the hockey player that had to re-retire because of our shared disability. I think about how there’s only 4 other people in the world with my specific problem. I start to feel lonely. I should try to call him again. I start thinking about what my friend said today about how I gravitate towards self-absorbed people and put too much effort into relationships with them and get depressed when they stop needing me. I think about how my most recent therapist thinks my mom is a narcissist and how that influences my patterns and how I wish I could be different. I’ve been reading a lot of psychology books to try and make better choices. Maybe I need to try harder. I’m starting to spiral. I make my return and get my wine and pick up my packing peanuts and boxes and go home.
It’s 4:59pm and I’m driving down Spring Garden. What the fuck? Where am I? Everytime I pass the Silk City corner I feel more lost than I did before. I pass that Delilah’s billboard and think about that photo of James Harden that came out right after he signed to the sixers. It’s one of my favorite cultural moments. I turn down Cumberland and a car stops in the middle of the road right in front of that horrible dentist. My neighborhood facebook group HATES that dentist. I tried to go once and can confirm, the dentist is awful. I didn’t even get past the waiting room.
5:44pm and I am finally home. Before I leave the car I talk to my friend on the phone about the bachelor party we are going to this weekend in Maine. I can’t wait to get out of the oppressive Philly heat. I tell him to make sure I’m drinking enough water this weekend. He obliges. I get inside and feel a real paralysis attack coming on so I get in my wheelchair to pack up my glassware. My chili burn starts throbbing. I feel like Chili would be a good nickname for me. I’m starting to feel terrible so I heat up dinner and get on the couch to watch real housewives of beverly hills. I wish I could say something more exciting happened today, like…
~ I met my date at john’s water ice and I spoon fed him some cherry flavor and he spoon fed me some lemon flavor and then we touched our open mouths together and sloshed our water ices around to make cherry lemonade and it unifies us into one. our bodies entwined and we astral project into the sky above south philly and see little baby cherubs flittering above the clouds. They are playing the most beautiful melody on lutes and harps. They are ushering us into eden. Eden is real. The trees are growing cups of water ice. We can eat as many as we want. We will never run out. Life is beautiful. ~
8:29pm and I’ve settled into my Monday night routine - catching up on 90 Day Fiance. I’m with my cat and I'm drinking wine, electrolytes and seltzer. Angela and Michael are eating gas station fried chicken. Kobe and Emily are getting a sonogram. Loren and Alexei are having dinner with her parents. Thais and Patrick are in Brazil with their baby. Jasmine and Gino are still at her beauty pageant fighting. Rob and Sophie are finally breaking up.
Karla lives in Port Richmond and loves birds.
