Skye

Hello Diary!!! what's up? I'm supposed to chronicle my day today! for the internet!!! I have a tendency to overshare, so I'm sure this will be embarrassing. Who am I but a jester for all the world to point and laugh? None-the-less, I do my merry jig.

12am - My partner, Zac, is fast asleep. Before he went to bed, he loaded new songs onto my flash drive for me. I've been learning how to DJ. My partner bought one of those crazy Pioneer turntables, and he's been teaching me about how it works. I think my transitions are getting smoother, and I have fun for a while messing with the machine until my arms get tired. I wanna keep going, but I have wormy weakling noodle arms. 

1:30 am - I decide to play VR chat. I kind of just like going on there to observe people and I'll only make weird noises to communicate, but sometimes, if I'm lucky, I find someone interesting to talk to. I hop from world to world. I eavesdrop on 50 different conversations. I explore all the details of each new world. I muse about how dumb I must look wearing the headset. Inside the Virtual World TM, I'm a tiny, chubby cat with a big head wearing a sweatshirt. It's a lot of fun to look into the mirror and see a cat instead of yourself.

During my journey, I stumble into a cozy little world where you can draw in 3D space and I occupy myself with doodling. Art is the way I communicate the most strongly, and this is how I ended up making friends with a very large, deep voiced man who has a giant anime girl avatar. He was very funny but his voice was too soothing. After drawing and talking for a little while, I got too tired and had to go to sleep. I pulled the headset off and laughed at the marks on my face. I go upstairs, do my nighty night routine, and I'm dead the second my head hits the pillow.

1pm - I wake up damn late. The house is so quiet it's almost startling. I wonder where my cats are as I stumble to the bathroom. My ears are ringing because I overslept. I try to call my mom to wish her a happy Mother's Day, but she is busy and rejects the call. Good riddance, though. I'm glad she finally has a nice man to spend time with. I scroll on my phone for a bit and wash up. 

2pm - I run outside to grab a package I let sit outside for definitely too long, and then I pet my cats, Beans & Meatball, and squeeze their chunky lil butts. I sit in a chair and scroll on my phone. The oversleep buzzing still hasn't gone away, and all I can do is attempt to redirect my attention elsewhere. I come across a sweet video that makes me weepy-eyed. The weight of the world exits me through cathartic tears. My cat, Beans, jumps in my lap to check if I'm ok. He jumps away when he decides that I am. I laugh.

3pm - my partner walks through the door after a long shift, gives me a sleepy kiss, and goes upstairs to nap. I sip canned coffee and eat a piece of bread to try to stave off an empty stomach and lack of energy without doing too much. Anything more would have made me ill. I put on my VR headset and log in. I try to shake off how bad I feel, but everyone is loud and annoying. I get overstimulated and log off.

4pm - I join the nap. Everyone is napping. My head is pounding, and I'm sad, hungry, and tired. My partner smells good and looks peaceful in his sleep. It puts me at ease right away. "I don't think anybody will enjoy reading this. I'm not really a good writer, and I'm writing about my miserable day being tired and cranky, like a baby." Is what I think to myself as I curl up in Zac's arms, and my cat, Eyepatch, curls up in mine. The self deprecating thoughts leave my head as quickly as they came. The bed is so soft and comfy, silently urging me to rest. I close my eyes and dream of electric sheep. 

5pm - I open my eyes, groggy but refreshed by the nap. I haven't slept more than 5 hours a night for the better part of a month. My body has finally crumpled under the weight of sleeplessness. We get up and shower. The water wakes me up, but reasonless sadness lingers. I'm so hungry, but food seems unappealing. We're supposed to go to dinner. I try to pull myself together. I manage to look ok but definitely feel like an unraveled sock. 

???? sometime around 7 or 8, I think? the sun is setting - the drive to the restaurant is nice. I enjoy seeing the sun set over the city as we drive through it. I enjoy talking to Zac. I feel pretty good …until we get to the restaurant. Once inside, I am immediately overtaken by the loud, unpleasant environment. The smells that usually soothe me feel like an assault. The noise is deafening. The music is too loud, and the crowd roars over it. 

When we are led to our seats, the booth bench is so close to the table that I can't fit. It's all too much all at once and my burnout and exhaustion from working so much and not resting hits me right there like a truck. I start to cry. Just a few quiet tears because I'm embarrassed and ashamed, but you could cook an egg on my beet-red face. Zac tries to console me and tells me the people behind us are leaving, and as they walk away, he pushes the booth back into place. Thanks to him, I am able to reel it back in and sit down. Eating is ok. I put in headphones and listen to a podcast while we eat to help deal with the overwhelming noise (me and Zac don't usually talk much during meals anyway. I hate talking while I eat and also...we're just enjoying the food so we talk during small eating breaks and otherwise exchange pleasant 'mmm!'s and happy glances)

The food is tasty, but I'm forcing it down just so I don't waste money. Eating was just difficult, today. At the very least, I'm able to get through the meal, despite struggling a lot.

Afterwards, we stop at Walmart for cat food, and we head home. The music plays, and for a moment, I forget about my troubles. I feel calm for the duration of the drive.

When we get home, the noisy, baseless melancholy returns. I can't shake the depression. I get visibly upset while trying to make sense of it. Zac and I talk about it and it turns out he's feeling similarly. We chalk it up to exhaustion and burnout on both our parts. We've been working hard and going out a lot and not resting very much, and we don't sleep well as it is. Today, it caught up with us. We sit down and watch our favorite show to its conclusion and then go off to do hobby stuff on our own. "I've had so many exciting days lately, and the day I had to write a special entry about has been the most dull, depressing day. I wrote a short novel about sleeping and playing video games. Jesus." I think to myself as I try to allow my body to relax. I root through my art bag to find some paper and stumble on a sticker I made that felt relevant. 

1am - Zac goes off to sleep, but I am restless.  I step back into the virtual world (I swear to god this is the most I've played any video games in literal years, but my passion for VR resurfaced HARD) and spend some time hopping from server to server in search of entertainment.

While my cat Meatball settles into my lap for one of her legendary Lap Naps, I find myself meeting and chatting with lots of people. There was one world where you could play movies on big screens!!! I watched for a bit and had good conversations! I even made a Japanese friend who was trying to teach me some stuff. (I've been learning Japanese so this was really cool and serendipitous!!) Then, I found a Cards Against Humanity World and closed my night out with a game. 

When I finally remove my headset, it's 6:45 am of the next day. I look at the clock with astonishment. I completely lost track of time. As I wind down, I gather my thoughts. At first I think..."What a boring day I'm having to write about lol. After weeks of endless events and parties and excitement..." 

Everyone has to rest, though. Everyone needs a moment to breathe and to retreat to their little hideaway. To sleep and play and just....be. The good, the bad, the stupid and ridiculous. Every day can't be exciting. Sometimes, it's weird and emotional and you forget how to be normal.

Sometimes….a day is just a day.

As I walk up to my room, my footsteps are heavy against the creaky, wooden stairs. I walk in to see Zac sleeping with Eyepatch in his arms. My favorite sight. She gets up to greet me with a loud, goofy meow. I ease into bed as the first rays of sunshine peek through the curtains. Eyepatch crawls under the blanket when I pull it up. I tap at my phone, quietly making this lil collage for myself as the waking world collapses away. 

The air conditioner hums, the birds faintly chirp, and I drift slowly into dreamland.

@porcelainette is an immersive actor, sideshow performer, and visual artist, world renowned for her living art doll creations, using herself as the canvas to bring her emotions and imaginings into reality.